This article is a mock interview with the parody site, Fake Theme Park, which pokes fun at all theme parks in general (including Disney). It is satire. With that out of the way, let’s have a little fun! – Amy
I recently had the opportunity to “interview” Murph Gantly, CEO of Fake Theme Park, and ask him some questions about his park.
How long has the fire on Chaos Coaster been burning?
This year we’re celebrating its fifth anniversary. And the eighth rebuilding of Chaos Coaster.
We’ve been hearing rumors about the relationship between Jimmy Jaguar and Princess Cupcake. Care to comment?
Those two characters don’t exist in the same film franchise and have no in-world knowledge of the other’s existence. Any interaction between them would irreversibly violate two major canon and destroy the fantasy worlds I’ve spent five decades creating. But if the kids like it, whatever.
Those aspiring to work at your park… what advice could you give them?
No visible tattoos. No chewing tobacco. No reading above an eighth-grade level.
Do you have any new attractions planned for the park’s anniversary?
Of course! The big attraction is the new fireworks show, “Paint the Sky Forever With Dreams and Stars of Magic,” which is a breathtaking fireworks show of immersive pyrotechnics. So immersive that we actually set you on fire.
What is the most popular ride/attraction in your park?
Princess Rainbow would want me to say the Princess Rainbow Magical Meet and Greet, but really it’s the southeast restrooms.
What’s the most popular souvenir that guests buy?
Why, the rare, limited-quantity, collector’s-edition thing! Buy it today or it will be gone forever! And then your collection will be incomplete and worthless!
Do you think Princess Snowflake’s growing popularity will have an impact on Princess Rainbow?
Absolutely not. And she has no plans for a ground offensive against Snowflake Castle.
Can you tell us about the new waterslide you’re building at your water park?
The Dreamgineers told me it was supposed to be a simple equation of Water + Slide + Gravity = Fun, but apparently their calculations were way off. WAAAAAAY off.
Any truth to the rumor that admission prices will be rising later this year?
Ticket prices may increase slightly in March. And a bit more in June. And maybe once or twice in the fall. And then, once December arrives, oy.
The following is a “bio” on Murph Gantly that Fake Theme Park provided us with:
Murphexander Brocadian Gantly was born in either 1921, 1912, or 1868. After an uneventful childhood during which he was captured by pirates and seduced by Mata Hari, “Murph” (as the FBI’s Juvenile Task Force called him) turned to art. His first creation, Osbourne the Plucky Mole, was deemed “wretched, soulless, offensive, and horrifying” by the major media of the day. Murph had better success with Jimmy Jaguar, who appeared in the first sound animated short, uttering the first line ever spoken by a cartoon character: “It seems like Italians never bathe!”
The success of Jimmy Jaguar cartoons led to Murph’s first animated feature film, Princess Rainbow, whose hit song, “Maybe Fascists Have a Point,” catapulted Murph and his fledgling studio to fame. That film’s popularity cleared the way for animated films about Princess Snowflake, Princess Marigold, and Princess Cupcake, all of whom were resented and hated by Princess Rainbow.
On July 15, 1955, Murph opened his famous park. It was the first of its kind, combining rides, shows, a studio backlot tour, killer whales, and, for reasons never made clear, a nail salon. From Cowboy Canyon to Fairy Tale Land to Future World, Murph’s park misrepresents numerous cultures and distorts the accuracy of many exciting eras. For six decades, ticket prices have stayed at the same level: 44% of the average American’s yearly income.
To this day, Murph serves not only as the park’s CEO but also Chief Creative Officer, Chief Happiness Officer, Chief Dreamgineer, and Secretary of War.
You can follow Fake Theme Park on Twitter (@FakeThemePark) and on Facebook at facebook.com/FakeThemePark.