A lot of amazing announcements occurred at the D23 Ultimate Fan Event this year. Some were great. (Villains Land!) Some were, shall we say, less than exciting. (Rivers of America? Really??) However, I got the chance to see a panel that was, apparently, missed by a lot of people. “Living Live: Disney’s Reality Programming” presented the slate of new reality shows currently in production for Disney’s platforms. Here are some of the shows you’ll be seeing soon.
(You’ve Got to be kidding is satire. Allow yourself a moment to smile.)
Goofy’s Kitchen
Celebrity chefs compete against each other to create culinary masterpieces that can be enjoyed by the whole family. Unfortunately, they must create them while throngs of children run through the kitchen screaming “We want Goofy! We want Goofy! We Want Goofy!” Watch as even the strongest chefs crumble. Gordon Ramsey breaks into tears crying “This is a true kitchen nightmare!” Paula Dean runs around admonishing the parents “Feed ‘em more gravy!” Guy Fieri scrambles under a table yelling “Dive, dive, and dive!” And the Iron Chef screams, “Today’s secret ingredient is…children, please, children, just get rid of the children!”
Disney’s Marriage Rescue
One thinks Disneyland is best, the other thinks it’s Disneyworld. Hosted by the famed marriage counselor, Jake Taffer.
Survivor: Disneyland
Contestants, with little more than the clothes on their backs and a ration of dole whip, churros, and corn dogs, are stranded in Disneyland. Each episode finds them locked in a different attraction where the fun becomes all too real…and dangerous. In Big Thunder Mountain Railroad contestants dodge mine trains as they attempt to stop the dynamite from exploding. On Pirates of the Caribbean they find themselves in the auction where those receiving the lowest bid must bid farewell. And on the Jungle Cruise they find out how far that tiger can jump, why the hippos really wiggle their ears, and that Trader Sam’s two-for-one deal isn’t all it seems. In the final episode, the two remaining survivors face the greatest challenge – working as a costumed character in 90+ degree weather. The one who doesn’t drown in their own sweat will take away the ultimate prize, an annual pass (with blackouts.)
Disney’s Next CEO
Watch the back-stabbing and unfettered schmoozing as Disney executives vie to replace Bob Iger. Spoiler: No one wins; Bob Iger stays.
Where in the World is a Club 33 Membership?
Teams of families search the internet, send out innumerable emails, and debase themselves in unimaginable ways trying to find out how to become a member of Club 33. Winners are given the opportunity to fill out the reams of paperwork for a chance to become an actual member of the most exclusive club on earth.
Shark Tank: Imagineers
Each week three contestants provide their ideas for new attractions, concessions, or entertainment that they believe would be a perfect fit for Disney parks. The winners then go head-to-head where the ultimate champion gets to see their idea put into production by the Disney Corporation. Unfortunately, the dream is quickly snuffed out when the accountants, in a frenzy of cost-cutting, shut the project down.
I Write the Disney Songs
Contestants compete to see who can write songs to replace Aerosmith’s contributions to Rock ‘N’ Roller Coaster. Anything referencing dudes, elevators, or walking certain ways will be immediately rejected.
Ursula’s Drag Race
The search for Disney’s next evil drag queen. Ursula serves as host, mentor, and final judge over contestants who must design costumes and personas to match Ursula’s twisted challenges. These include an underwater photoshoot with two eels, trying not to trip while voguing in an 8-legged costume, and creating a rap/cackle version of Poor Unfortunate Souls. Judges include LeFou, Elsa, and Jafar. The winner will receive a leading role in Disney’s latest spinoff, The Little Mermaid IV: Can You Hear Me Now?
Mutual of Disneyland’s Wild Kingdom
Join Donald Duck as he explores Disney’s Animal Kingdom. Discover evidence of a lost, beastly kingdom; thrill at an immovable abominable snowman; and marvel as you see (and smell) what happens to the waste of over 2,000 animals. As always, Ludwig von Drake will stay behind and guard the vehicles.
Let’s Hear From You
And there you have it—our (fake) version of Disney+’s latest attempt to ensure you never leave your couch again. Whether you’re into high-stakes churro battles, theme park survivor games, or trying to figure out how many limbs Ursula can fit into a sequin gown, there’s clearly something for everyone.
So, what reality shows would you like to see Disney+ roll out next? “Bob Chapek’s Escape Room” perhaps? Maybe “Behind the Scenes: How We Raised Ticket Prices Again”? Let us know—and perhaps your ideas will make it to the stream screen.