You’ve Got To Be Kidding is satire. Join us as we tumble down the rabbit hole once again with Uncle Jacka.
Let’s face it, we all suffer from it in one way or another – an addiction to all things Disney. But some of us have crossed the thin line separating fandom from addiction. Of course, as we all know, the first step is recognizing you have a problem. So, to help you with that first step, I have developed the following test. Answer the questions and determine if you are one of the millions suffering from Disney Chronic Addiction (or as it is commonly known, DCA).
- Can you handle more trips to Disney parks than when you first started visiting?
- Do you often want to continue visiting a park long after your friends say they’ve had enough?
- Do you try to avoid family or close friends whenever you are involved in Disney-related activities? Even worse, do you drag family or close friends to every single Disney-related activity?
- Have you ever been stopped for a DWD – Driving while Disney-obsessed?
- Have any of your blood relatives had a problem with Disney Chronic Addiction? If not, have you always wondered if you were adopted?
- Are you in a bigger hurry to experience your first attraction of the day than you used to be? Do you no longer say “Excuse me” as you run people over on your way to that first attraction?
- Do you sometimes feel a little guilty about having gone to every single day of every single D23 convention?
- Do you start to feel uncomfortable any time you are not near a Disney-related item? Is that discomfort no longer kept under control by wearing your Mickey-themed underwear?
- Do you increase your visits to Disneyland when you are under pressure, have had a quarrel with someone, or are disappointed (for example, after watching the movie Solo: A Star Wars Story)?
- Have you started hoarding Disneyland straws because you know they will soon be worth a fortune (not that you would ever part with them)?
- Have you ever woken up in the morning tangled in your sweat-soaked Toy Story sheets, empty Donald Duck orange juice glasses scattered across the room, buried under bags of collectible pins you don’t remember buying?
- Have you actually experienced withdrawal because you will never get to ride Superstar Limo again? Seriously?
- Have you stood in line for more than eight hours to get the latest Trader Sam’s tiki mug, a specialty churro, or an event-exclusive collectible pin? (Follow up question: Did you get the mug? Follow up question number two: Want to sell it?)
- Do you plan on having as many children as possible because “there are so many princesses; so few children to name.”
- Do you believe that The Black Hole is a highly underrated movie, deserving a franchise at least as big as Star Wars, Star Trek, and The Avengers?
- Do you go to the park with a plaid outfit, an official Disney nametag, and one of those cute riding crops, saying things like “We will begin the tour in five minutes”, “Over there you can see Walt’s apartment”, and “Let me tell you what time the 5 o’clock parade starts”?
- Have you calculated exactly what you would have to mortgage, sell, pawn, beg, borrow, and steal to join Club 33?
- Do you actually enjoy earworms such as “Swisskapolka”, “Baroque Hoedown”, or “It’s a Small World World”?
- Is your idea of a well-rounded meal one that includes churros, corn dogs, and Dole Whip? Do you consider yourself to have gone really healthy if you throw in a Clam Chowder bread bowl?
- Do you currently have a detailed plan for where to hide so you never have to leave the park again? (Follow up question: Do you need a co-conspirator?)
If you answered yes to 5 or more of these, you don’t have a problem. (Except for that Superstar Limo question – then you have a whole host of problems.) In fact, if you answered yes to all of them, who cares? There is no such thing as too much of a good thing and you should enjoy every moment of every Disney…Hang on, I just saw an update about the sneak peak of the trailer regarding a new snack stand opening in an obscure corner of the not-yet-proposed third gate in Anaheim.