Al Lutz returns today with a very special MiceAge Star Wars Update which fills us in on the latest news and rumors about a land so big that it doesn’t really need many attractions. But it does need more money, lot and lots more money.
As Star Wars land™ reshapes the happiest place on earth, the public’s focus on it so far, understandably, has been on the two (and still maybe three) rides/attractions planned within. While future visitors both young and old excitedly plan just how they are gonna pilot the Millenium Falcon™ in VR, or further fight galactic baddies, Disney has been, of course, much more interested in what they’ll be eating and spending on while they are in the land. . . and how they’ll pay for it!
As the sharp pencil gang proved in Walt Disney World’s recent “New” Fantasyland update, you don’t really need all that many expensive-to-build-and-run rides/attractions nowadays, when you can gussy up those revenue generating restaurants and shops instead, add a few more hotels with DVC room wings, and end up finding that people still fall all over themselves to book their trips and meal reservations ahead of time to plan a trip there. With a powerful property like Star Wars, folks should be thrilled to pay more for even less.
So what’s the scoop so far? The third ride still waiting to get back into the budget here is currently named the Jawa Droid Hunt™ (before you get too excited, think Casey Jr. or Heimlich’s Chew Chew in scale). Designed for the “below minimum height crowd,” the ride’s trackless miniature sand crawlers slowly make their way around the area, stopping occasionally so that Jawas can approach the vehicles and try to load lost droids they’ve gathered – with the final two robots they’ve brought to try and get on the ride the now very familiar R2-D2 and 3-CPO.
At the ride’s exit will be a special place where the (too) little ones can celebrate their just finished adventure. It’s really an attraction in name only, built at ODV’s (outdoor vending) request and specifications to sell “party” treats, like blue milk, fruit punch and snickerdoodles. The finale DroidDance room will feature the latest hits with loud sound and disco lights, breakdancing Jawas and constantly circling R2 robots, who will be offering those ODV treats to the kids, which will be conveniently billed via Star Wars land Magic lightsabers on their parent’s Star Wars land VIP accounts. Just wave your saber wildly in the air in the direction of the nearest register via the patent-pending “Waive to pay” technology.
Rumor has it that as the little ones sleep off those sugar rushes at night Meco’s StarWars Discotech Retro Dance Party™ will take over, finally bringing the moneymaking ElecTRONica concept from DCA to Disneyland. By the way those VIP accounts we just mentioned will only be available via Disney Travel Club bookings with an initial sign-up fee, and then each lightsaber needed by the group/family charged individually. Unfortunately, the budget for the lightsaber program is already over it’s budget by at least one billion dollars. That money will need to come from somewhere. Expect a shell game of budget cuts and major ticket price increase to cover the tracks on this one.
The big fancy themed restaurant built inside the E-Ticket battle attraction show building is named “Lando’s™ Cloud Palace” and will offer both light and dark side dining rooms and accompanying meal choices. Right now, it’s planned as the only location in the land you can see and interact with the very popular BB-8; as he will take you to your table when you arrive.
You can expect to Dine with Darth (or as WDI jokes –Vader’s Vittles), or celebrate at Luke & Leila’s Lunch. Empire Crispy Wings™, and Luke’s Linguini™, as well as VaderVeal™ (as well as Admiral Ackabar’s Fish Cakes™) are only a few of the new menu items dreamed up by Disney chefs, as well as fifteen different ways to name chicken nugget combos.
Mornings Rey’s Breakfast Rations will also be offered, with treats like DeathStar™ crepes, Instant Bread and WaffleStompers™. (Crispy Beroo™ maple-dripped bacon sticks were quickly shot down as being tasteless.)
The StarCantina™ room in back will be the only daytime location to serve alcoholic drinks until the dance party gets going, but only to Club 33 members with a $5,000 StarWarrior™ yearly add on to their current membership.
The nearby centrically located Tomorrowland Terrace-inspired “HanBurgers™” (get it?) lets us know Harrison Ford wasn’t killed after all – as he went on “in retirement to open a burger stand by the desert sand.” For those not as interested in a full sit-down dining adventure, the menu here offers oversized “Bantha Burgers,™” Black Hole chocolate cakes, and a C-3PO™ tea. Watch out for the frozen “Carbonite Coke™” – it may give you a brain freeze! “Playful” condiment counters offer Greedo “Which shot first?” dispensers for Ketchup and Mustard, as relish is renamed Greedo’s Snot, and a peek inside the open show kitchen will find a certain not so beloved family member flipping burgers or slicing potatoes as a gag. (Yep, Kylo Ren.) A specialty dessert counter offers Yoda’s Yogurts™, Bobba Fett’s Berry Balls™ and Princess Puffs™. Entertainment in this location will consist of a relocated Jedi Training Academy for the first time offering VIP spots, only bookable via your Disney travel advisor.
WDI’s entertainment & fireworks guru is busy planning all the rest of the entertainment in the land as the holidays will bring us Chewie’s Life Celebration days (a salute to the mostly misunderstood Star Wars Holiday Special) and a first of its kind Ewok parade – where your little ones can use “Build-A-Bear” technology in the ShopEwok™ store not only to create a stuffed Ewok to take home, but also appear in the daily parade with the same outfit. Speaking of the retail’s area’s collection of shops, The StarPrincess Shoppe forsakes General Leia’s dowdy LLBean “sensible” rebel look to showcase a more feminine / girlish sparkling line of garish galactic funware.
The”Darthporium” main shop (about the same size of Downtown Disney’s World of Disney store) will feature aisles and aisles full of the saga’s merchandise, carefully categorized by film and character. Droid sound effects will be added to the sales terminals, as it is hoped visitors will enjoy their time shopping more and not focus so much on the final sales totals. After finally introducing seasonal ticket pricing a few weeks ago, you should now know that you’ll pay one of three possible price points per item, with an immediate 20% per item increase on the busiest attendance days.
Besides the themed suites in the two Hotels Disney already owns, future expansion plans include the eventual annexation of the Mickey & Friends parking structure to the area, which will be converted into the Disney Rebel Camp Hotel™ with a DVC wing. Another location planned for future development is to the north of the land, expect a Drive-In theater type of attraction, replacing cars with land speeders, etc.
And that’s how the force will awaken in Anaheim, just subtract a few rides and add more shopping and dining venues for Orlando’s version. Then raise prices and cut budgets everywhere else to pay for it. Now we’ll see if they make next year’s Iger-mandated April 1st open date…
Before we leave you today, we have to pass on the latest news… The following just came through WDI as to what the next big update to Disneyland will be. Look for the Jungle Cruise to be shortened, to add in a restaurant and shops to expand the Indy attraction. It all will tie in to the new Indiana Jones movie that was recently announced. The word is that Spielberg finally locked down the story, and that Ford, Shia LaBouf, Kate Capshaw, and a few other old faces will return in “Indiana Jones Kicks Nazi Butt!” Iger was practically beside himself in announcing the title, “Everybody hates Nazis, so records will be broken again in theaters and parks.” Just think of all the whips they are going to sell… and crystal encrusted Indy themed walkers.
What are your thoughts on all this foolery? Do you think anyone can really afford Disney’s Star Wars? And what of a 100 year old Indiana Jones fighting the Nazis one more time at Disneyland?
Happy April everyone!
EDITORS NOTE: This article was indeed written by the real Al Lutz.
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