You’ve Got To Be Kidding is parody. Sit back and enjoy.
The following news bulletin was just released by YGTBK news:
It has been confirmed that a militia group of Disney fans calling themselves “Disney Citizens for Disneyland Freedom” has occupied the fenced-off, northern section of Tom Sawyer Island saying they will remain until Disney “stops the tyranny of wholesale abandonment of original attractions in pursuit of more Disney Dollars.”
The incident began after a rally in support of Joseph Cosgrove. (Mr. Cosgrove is the individual whose Club 33 membership was terminated because of various Club rule violations.) The nearly one dozen participants stood near the old Club 33 entrance wearing tee shirts which read “Free Cosgrove’s 33”. Most park guests seemed to either not understand or not care. But for those few who asked, a spokesperson for the group advised “Disney thinks they can try and control membership of a private club. This is Disneyland; not Studio 54. First they restrict membership, then they charge exorbitant fees, and the next thing you know they are making changes the public isn’t allowed to see while messing up the sight lines within New Orleans Square.” There were also some comments about windows that were out of proportion and incorrectly centered, but by that point most people quit listening.
The rally broke up after Disneyland security asked them to “move along” and the participants retired to the Blue Bayou where they had a nice meal. Eye witness accounts reveal that an incredibly detailed and boring discussion that “only a hard core Disney dweeb would pretend to care about ” ensued. The conversation included an increasingly heated debate related to the participants’ distaste with the way the Disney Corporation was handling the park. A scheme was hatched.
After a frantic effort to scrape together enough money to pay their bill, the group left and boarded the Mark Twain. As the steamboat passed the Hungry Bear Restaurant, the group suddenly jumped off and swam to the island. Their plan for a sneak attack takeover was quite effective because no one even noticed that the group had, indeed, occupied the northern end of the island.
Twenty-four hours later, bored because no one was paying attention to them, the group began yelling at passing canoes. At first, park guests assumed the voices were coming from individuals who had gotten lost. However, as rescuers approached they were greeted with hails of dirt clods and screams of “Leave us alone. We are taking back Disneyland.”
It was at this time that Disney officials realized they were facing a self-styled militia when Disney tech support discovered Twitter and Facebook accounts (with tens of followers) being used to send non-stop, vaguely incoherent messages about the siege.
Piecing together the few coherent statements that have been made, it appears the militia feels that, with the encroachment of the Star Wars land into parts of Frontierland, Disney has gone too far. “We are making a hard stand against Disney overreach. Their history is ours, and they cannot have what is ours.” They go on to say “Disney’s taking of people’s memories leaves people in a nostalgic nightmare and the changes to Tom Sawyer Island have been a tool in doing that.”
The group’s stated goal is to help “guests, cast members, and Disney fans everywhere to benefit from the history of Disneyland.” They go on to say that “Disney does not have the right to own or control lands inside Disneyland. We’re prepared to be out here for as long as we need to be – even if it is after the next showing of Fantasmic.”
They believe the previous rally to have been a success (even though Mr. Cosgrove has given no indication that he desires the militia’s support, nor that he is even aware they exist) and they have requested additional support from other Disney fans, social clubs, and militias. So far, response has been tepid at best with most Disney fans tired of all the complaining about changes to the park over the last few years. Besides, as one fan noted, “We all want the Star Wars land.”
One Facebook post is a member’s picture of himself wearing Davy Crockett regalia and holding a gun with a bright orange cap covering the barrel. The accompanying statement reads “They have taken away our selfies. They have taken away our costumes. They have taken away our toy guns. Next thing you know they’ll take away our right to sneak in alcohol. What’s that? Really??!! See what I mean?!!!”
The militia has made several attempts to broaden the scope of its takeover. In one foray, four individuals snuck into Fort Wilderness to take up watch in the guard towers. This was quickly thwarted when the towers collapsed. As the members were seen scurrying back to their home base, Disney’s Chief Safety Officer was quoted as saying, “We warned everyone that, just like everything else in this park, that fort was dangerous! Now, aren’t you glad we changed the teacups?”
Most recently, the militia made a statement that “in the name of memories about Disneyland” it would reignite the burning cabin. There efforts seemed to gain them little more than burns and smoke inhalation as the matches they used were inadequate to the task of setting the rain-soaked cabin afire. Another Disney spokesperson said, “They obviously did not realize the cabin was built to look like it was on fire without actually catching on fire.”
The militia’s antics have become a big draw with guests lining the shores of the Rivers of America to see what happens next. In response, Disney has turned the shoreline into an upcharge event titled “Mickey’s Militia Madness”. The event has sold out into the foreseeable future.
While no one is quite sure how this will all end, it is apparent that the militia is woefully unprepared for the sustained stay they have promised. Their most recent Facebook post simply said “Please send corn dogs and Dole Whips.”