You’ve Got To Be Kidding is parody. Mostly. Today’s edition has the ring of truth to it. . .
Last week there was a great furor in the theme park community when it was learned that security guards escorted a young lady out of Six Flags Over Georgia for violating the park’s dress code. Specifically, she was wearing a short top that revealed her belly button (the “I Dream of Jeannie” violation).
Many have come to the young woman’s defense citing the changing policies on the park’s web page, the more lenient standards in existence at the nearby water park, and the alternative clothing she was allowed to wear that seemed to actually reveal more than the original outfit.
I fear I may be a lone voice crying out in the wilderness, but I am 100% behind Six Flags and their decision to enforce more restrictive dress codes. I have watched with growing concern as our standards of modesty and decorum have eroded over time. And nowhere is this more evident than in the way the public behaves while in attendance at the amusement and theme parks which are spread across this great nation.
For evidence, one need look no further than the state fair. In our fondly remembered past the state fair was the opportunity for a family to dress in their Saturday best and experience the bounty of local farmers, share good times with friends and neighbors, and partake in the charming rides and enjoyable games of chance offered as innocent entertainment.
That is no more. Instead state fairs have devolved into token representations from local producers that are overshadowed by a filthy midway spectacle celebrating little more than the ability of individuals, dressed as slovenly as street urchins, to pig out on the latest deep-fried conglomeration of animal fat, sugar, and lard, then climb aboard mechanical machinations that race, speed, throw, twist, spin, and convulse with the apparent intent to do little more than return the deep-fried contents of riders’ stomachs back to the open air.
Local amusement parks have quickly followed suit. Many started with good intentions, attempting to cater to the family by including kiddy rides, walk-around characters, the occasional imaginative dark ride, and other well-intentioned but pale imitations of the granddaddy of all theme parks. But time and degrading tastes have taken their toll and these parks are now filled with roving gangs of teenagers testing their newfound release from the bosom of the family with flashes of boorish behavior, bad taste, and body parts that are better left hidden.
But the proof that this has gotten out of hand is evidenced in that most sacrosanct of theme parks – the Disney parks. Pay close attention on your next visit and you will see the disease has permeated this previously safe harbor. Shorts that are far too short. Crop tops that are far too cropped. Sneakers, sandals, and flip-flops instead of solid, respectable footwear. And the seemingly unending contest to reveal the most without violating the ever loosening standards of propriety and dress codes.
And then there are the t-shirts. Let’s skip the fact that t-shirts are only acceptable when using them as undergarments, working in garages, or playing the role of Stanley Kowalski. It is with a mere modicum of disgust that I accept Disney’s self-promotion of Mickey, Minnie, Goofy, Donald, Pluto, and cetera, ad infinitum, ad nauseam. But why must I be subjected to the bombardment of free advertising from outside the Disney purview? No movie, no product, no item on God’s money-green earth is exempt from emblazonment on someone’s t-shirt. And the less said about some of the choice phrases on these shirts, the better. Suffice to say, an end should be called to the practice.
If you look back at the early pictures of Disneyland you see a time when people knew how to dress. Ties and slacks for men; dresses and high heels for women.
However, look more closely and you will see evidence that the slide down the slippery slope was already underway: some women wearing slacks, some men wearing dungarees, some children wearing shorts, even women wearing dresses where the hem was above their fingertips when their arms were held to the side.
Which proves that the actions taken by Six Flags Over Georgia are well meaning, but will fall short. History shows that tougher dress codes will not provide a real solution. We must contend with the fact that today’s population has an uncanny ability to twist and turn any well-intentioned efforts to their own base needs. Even the strictest of codes can still result in items that cling just a little too closely to the body parts which should be most avoided.
What is needed is something drastic and dramatic. That is why I am proposing more than a dress-code. I propose regulations requiring specifically prescribed clothing that will be sold for a nominal (but profitable) fee by the theme park with a portion of the proceeds going to an external group charged with enforcing the standards. The clothing will be sold to visitors when they enter the park; changing stations will be available.
The clothing will cover the full body coming up to the neck and enclosing the wrists and ankles. In this way, all potentially offensive skin areas will be covered. The clothing will also be required to be very loose and made of particularly unflattering materials such as plastic sacks or burlap bags. People will be allowed to take their new clothes home, which means that some will most assuredly try to make changes to them. Accordingly, a purchase of new clothing will be required for each trip into the park.
To support the tasteless but inarguably desired advertising potential, theme parks will be allowed to brand the clothing and, in the process, make a collectible that all park attendees will want to cherish. In addition, there is the opportunity for theme parks to develop collectible versions of the clothing by celebrating special occasions and holidays. Of course, care must be taken to ensure that such decorations do not go overboard, for example overly garish colors or poorly placed embellishments. Remember, the point is to draw the emphasis away from other people’s bodies, allowing everyone to enjoy the park that much more.
I cannot emphasize enough the importance of this proposal. It is an important step in taking back the theme park experience. And it is an important step in bringing back the basic principles and morals that are foundational to who we are.
And one other thing…
You kids get off my lawn!!!!